OK, change of plans. Because I do listen to your comments, after much complaining from some readers for having done my last entry in "parts", I will desist from turning this topic into a 3-parter (as I had originally planned) and wrap it up in today's post. I guess some of you get very impatient and hungry for insight. And, rather than pacing yourselves by enjoying a three-course meal, it seems like you'd rather have it all out - buffet style.
In the last post we covered the need for Certainty and Uncertainty. So now, we'll dive right into the first of the final four needs: Significance.
We all want to feel like we matter, right? The need to stand out and be noticed is primal in nature and starts at a very early age. If you grew up with siblings (as I did), then you know exactly what I mean. I could write a whole book on sibling rivalry to illustrate how we all need to feel special and unique, in some way.
Striving for significance serves us well because it encourages us to find ways to achieve new things, or stand out, in our quest for appreciation. So, "what's the catch," you ask? There can't possibly be a situation where our search for significance can work against us, right? Unfortunately, there is.
Remember when we were kids? In almost every family there was a child who was the star. You know, the one who did well in school, sports, etc. Was that you? Or were you the other one? The one who got into trouble more often, picking fights, struggling in school, or finding ways to knock the "star" off their pedestal. In either case, both children were striving for significance.
Fast forward to adulthood, and those negative ways of getting attention, which were learned at an early age, are still alive and kicking. A typical example could be a co-worker, or a fellow parent on the PTA, who continually complain about their job, or the school, and never have much to say other than how "crappy" everything is. Yet they stay in the same job or keep their kids in the same school, finding significance by "sacrificing" themselves and doing everyone else a "favor" by pointing out all the flaws. The world would come to an end if they weren't there to "inform" - and that is pretty significant, don't you think?
The fourth need is Love/Connection. This one, I think, is the most obvious. In my opinion, it's one of the most important ingredients to a happy life. It is so basic that an infant can actually die if they aren't touched and held - normally referred to as "forming healthy attachments." It's pretty serious stuff.
So what happens when we don't form healthy attachments early on in life? You got it. We find it very hard to make meaningful connections in our adult lives. Remember when I talked about manipulation in one of my previous posts? Well, a manipulator is an example of someone who probably has attachment problems. Because they don't see themselves as worthy of love (lovable), they fulfill their need for love and connection by dominating others who, in turn, are forced to show appreciation.
OK, so let's stop and digest for a minute. The first four needs - Certainty, Uncertainty, Significance and Love - are essential needs for human survival. They're the needs which feed directly into who we are as people - our personality.
The final two needs, which I'll talk about next, feed our soul (a tad corny, I know, but you'll see what I mean).
The fifth need is Growth. By the mere fact that we are living creatures, we have no other option but to grow. In order to keep all the "positive" things in our lives alive (health, relationships, money, happiness), we must grow. We grow by educating ourselves, by learning new ways to be better at what we do, by improving our understanding of who we are (like reading this blog - wink, wink), by staying healthy, by traveling, etc. The list is endless. And you can breathe easy, there really is no wrong way to grow. As long as you keep growing.
And finally (still with me?), the sixth ingredient in this pot-luck I call life is : Contribution. You were probably hoping for something earth-shattering, I know. But like I said, I try to keep things simple.
It's important that we all see beyond ourselves and give to others. We all pick a cause to be a part of, right? It's our nature to want to give back. To ensure that when we are gone, we leave a legacy we can feel proud of. It could be as simple as being the best possible parent so your children remember you as a hero. Or, perhaps leaving your life savings to a spiritual healer in some back alley in Dubai (though I think your children might be a bit disturbed and eternally pissed off at you for that - but hey, it's your contribution, and they can go find their proof for significance elsewhere, right?).
The key is that no matter what your situation in life, we can all find ways to give back. Fulfillment being the ultimate goal. So I ask you: "How do you feel fulfilled"? If you can't think of one example really quickly, then perhaps it's time to find one. It's never too late.
It's important to remember that, as with everything in life, we often encounter conflict when meeting these basic needs. For example, the need for significance is often contradictory to the need for love. When someone has the need to feel significantly important, it is difficult to love them. That's why in some cases, people who are highly successful and that have a constant need for significance, have trouble with close relationships and often feel they're not truly loved (the key to your typical Hollywood break-up?).
OK, let's recap. We all experience these 6 needs in some form or another at any given time. Though how we meet the needs, both positively or negatively, is different for every person, depending on our life experiences.
So, if you are feeling stuck in your life, or if you are having problems in your relationship, or you are flooded with thoughts that continue to get in the way of your success, perhaps a good place to start is by pinpointing which of these needs may be at the root of your problem. And, of course, by maybe seeking out someone who can help you resolve the conflict.
With that in mind, I bid farewell to 2010. It's been a great year, filled with changes and surprises. And I give thanks for having been able to feel:
Certain - that what I am doing in life right now is exactly what I should be doing
Uncertain - knowing that in time, what I "should be doing" will change again
Significant - through your simple words of encouragement
Loved - by my family, who tells me and reminds me each and every day
Growth - by taking on this new challenge of blog writing (which still scares me a bit)
and know that I've
Contributed - by continuing to find foster care children amazing forever homes
Happy Holidays and may 2011 be very generous with all your needs.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Food for Thought - (Part 1)
I'm the kind of person that likes to break things down into smaller, more manageable pieces, in order to make sense of them. Which is probably why I enjoy cooking so much. I get to combine simple, basic, raw ingredients into one cohesive, complex, yet perfectly balanced finger-licking dish (in theory, at least). Yet, for some, cooking can be overwhelming. They take one look at the list of ingredients and immediately give up, thinking: too many steps, too many ingredients, too much work. I get excited by the challenge.
The same can be said of the work I do with my clients (minus the dirty dishes). For the most part, we all have complex histories, which, like a recipe, can seem overwhelming and leave us feeling disorganized. Therefore, finding ways to get to the root of a problem and effecting change can turn out to be a difficult task. Almost as hard as making mayonnaise from scratch.
So, how do I put my cooking skills to work in my therapy office? I work with six basic ingredients, or rather, six basic needs (based on the work of Cloé Madanes). A recipe even the most inexperienced cooks can master.
The first basic need is Certainty. We all want to be certain that we're safe, healthy, comfortable in our relationship, etc. Certainty addresses our basic human need to feel secure - having a roof over our heads or knowing we have food on our table.
It's important to point out, though, that someone who's on unemployment and lives in a one bedroom apartment can feel just as satisfied as someone who needs to make a million dollars a year to feel secure. So, before you start judging "crazy" uncle George for living in a mountain cabin, with his three goats and existing on cheese alone, first ask yourself..."Is he happy?" We all need some level of certainty in our lives, but what constitutes certainty for one person may be very different for another.
So, how does our need for certainty become a problem? When it negatively affects other parts of our life. For example, a workaholic who is never home, is always tired and finds no time for his or her family, perhaps has gone too far in the quest for security. As a result, the excessive need for certainty has now reaped more severe consequences. In this case it might be marital problems or the use of drugs to keep up with the demands. Remember, you can only whip cream so long before it turns into butter.
The second need is Uncertainty. I know, it's confusing. How can we throw Certainty and Uncertainty into the same pot? It's like oil and water; they don't mix. Well, in this case, they do. Though rather than mix, they complement each other.
Uncertainty refers to the need we have for variety and challenges in our life. We all need some level of suspense and surprise to feel invigorated, right? Life would be very boring if not. Like wondering if my souffle will cave in when I take it out of the oven...the tension is unbearable...yet thrilling.
For the most part, we choose healthy ways to meet the need for uncertainty. Engaging in sports or investing in stocks, for example. Here in Los Angeles, it's often performing and the excitement of being on a stage that fulfills that need.
As with Certainty, we encounter problems when the thrill-seeking affects us negatively. We may find ourselves engaging in compulsive sexual behavior, gambling, stealing, speeding, etc. You get the picture, right?
In a nutshell (almond, pecan, macadamia, whichever), by identifying which of these six basic needs a problem is rooted in, you're one step closer to finding a solution.
"But wait!" you say. "Those were only two needs and you said there were six!" You're right. But you'll have to wait until my next post. Who knew that reading my blog on a weekly basis would fulfill your need for "certainty"? You see, now you have one less thing to worry about.
The same can be said of the work I do with my clients (minus the dirty dishes). For the most part, we all have complex histories, which, like a recipe, can seem overwhelming and leave us feeling disorganized. Therefore, finding ways to get to the root of a problem and effecting change can turn out to be a difficult task. Almost as hard as making mayonnaise from scratch.
So, how do I put my cooking skills to work in my therapy office? I work with six basic ingredients, or rather, six basic needs (based on the work of Cloé Madanes). A recipe even the most inexperienced cooks can master.
The first basic need is Certainty. We all want to be certain that we're safe, healthy, comfortable in our relationship, etc. Certainty addresses our basic human need to feel secure - having a roof over our heads or knowing we have food on our table.
It's important to point out, though, that someone who's on unemployment and lives in a one bedroom apartment can feel just as satisfied as someone who needs to make a million dollars a year to feel secure. So, before you start judging "crazy" uncle George for living in a mountain cabin, with his three goats and existing on cheese alone, first ask yourself..."Is he happy?" We all need some level of certainty in our lives, but what constitutes certainty for one person may be very different for another.
So, how does our need for certainty become a problem? When it negatively affects other parts of our life. For example, a workaholic who is never home, is always tired and finds no time for his or her family, perhaps has gone too far in the quest for security. As a result, the excessive need for certainty has now reaped more severe consequences. In this case it might be marital problems or the use of drugs to keep up with the demands. Remember, you can only whip cream so long before it turns into butter.
The second need is Uncertainty. I know, it's confusing. How can we throw Certainty and Uncertainty into the same pot? It's like oil and water; they don't mix. Well, in this case, they do. Though rather than mix, they complement each other.
Uncertainty refers to the need we have for variety and challenges in our life. We all need some level of suspense and surprise to feel invigorated, right? Life would be very boring if not. Like wondering if my souffle will cave in when I take it out of the oven...the tension is unbearable...yet thrilling.
For the most part, we choose healthy ways to meet the need for uncertainty. Engaging in sports or investing in stocks, for example. Here in Los Angeles, it's often performing and the excitement of being on a stage that fulfills that need.
As with Certainty, we encounter problems when the thrill-seeking affects us negatively. We may find ourselves engaging in compulsive sexual behavior, gambling, stealing, speeding, etc. You get the picture, right?
In a nutshell (almond, pecan, macadamia, whichever), by identifying which of these six basic needs a problem is rooted in, you're one step closer to finding a solution.
"But wait!" you say. "Those were only two needs and you said there were six!" You're right. But you'll have to wait until my next post. Who knew that reading my blog on a weekly basis would fulfill your need for "certainty"? You see, now you have one less thing to worry about.
Friday, November 12, 2010
No Strings Attached
Are you a people pleaser? To a certain extent, there's nothing wrong with that. We've all done things for others we didn't really feel like doing, right? For example, taken on extra work to help out a co-worker, canceled a night out with friends because our spouse didn't feel like going, or succumbed to another Sunday dinner at our parents' house, even though we swore last weekend would be our last overcooked brisket for a while.
It's natural to want to please. It makes us feel good when we give without expecting anything in return; the quintessential "pat on the back."
But what happens when we have a moment of clarity and realize that we've crossed that thin line? That we find ourselves becoming involved, or perhaps knee deep already, in a relationship that does nothing but suck the life out of us while giving nothing in return? Well, you're either involved with a vampire (which seems to be in vogue these days) or you're tangled in the web of a manipulator. Either way, you might be in trouble.
Manipulation according to the dictionary is: exerting shrewd or devious influence, especially for one's own advantage. Manipulators can only survive by constantly inflating their own ego. And to do so, they must fill themselves up with a sense of dominance by exerting power over someone who can be easily influenced.
What's interesting about manipulation is that we see it happening from early childhood all the way through adulthood. It's common on school playgrounds, though at this stage we call it peer pressure. In college settings, we see it in some fraternities, when young people are manipulated into engaging in degrading or demeaning acts just for the sake of belonging. And by the time we are adults, we can find it in any number of work relationships - or even in our own families.
So what qualities in personality make you an easy target? There are quite a few, but the one I encounter the most in my practice is the need for approval. At the core of this need is a disproportionate fear of rejection, abandonment or criticism. The manipulator feeds on this need, creating a dependence. By giving the victim what they crave and then threatening to take it away, they create a similar dynamic to that of a junkie and a dealer.
Now maybe that's a dark analogy to use, but the truth is, this habit can be just as hard to break as a drug addiction. I'm sure that if you think hard enough, you've witnessed these types of dynamics, leaving you perplexed as to why a person remains in such a relationship. It's actually much more prevalent than you might think.
Depression or anxiety are common byproducts of manipulation, eventually taking a toll on a person's emotions and well-being. But it's these symptoms that will hopefully motivate a person to seek help.
You might not be surprised to hear that in all the years I've been practicing, I've never had a manipulator come in asking for help on how to stop this controlling habit. It's always the receiver, or victim, that musters up the courage to ask for help. And more often than not, they are unaware of the effect the manipulator is having on them.
One tell-tale sign is when a client tells me they're keeping the therapy a secret. That they are looking for ways to become a better partner, or a more caring daughter or a more efficient employee, to name a few. With couples, another sign is when a partner goes out of their way to say things like, " I'm here for you - I want to help you get better," taking no ownership or responsibility for their contribution to the crisis at hand.
I wish there was a quick fix to this type of relationship. Breaking the cycle of manipulation is extremely hard. It involves changing personality traits which are deeply entrenched and often too scary to confront. But above all, what we need when we find ourselves in this position, is courage. The courage to confront our fears. The courage to cut the strings and find our freedom. And if things don't get better, the courage to walk away.
It's natural to want to please. It makes us feel good when we give without expecting anything in return; the quintessential "pat on the back."
But what happens when we have a moment of clarity and realize that we've crossed that thin line? That we find ourselves becoming involved, or perhaps knee deep already, in a relationship that does nothing but suck the life out of us while giving nothing in return? Well, you're either involved with a vampire (which seems to be in vogue these days) or you're tangled in the web of a manipulator. Either way, you might be in trouble.
Manipulation according to the dictionary is: exerting shrewd or devious influence, especially for one's own advantage. Manipulators can only survive by constantly inflating their own ego. And to do so, they must fill themselves up with a sense of dominance by exerting power over someone who can be easily influenced.
What's interesting about manipulation is that we see it happening from early childhood all the way through adulthood. It's common on school playgrounds, though at this stage we call it peer pressure. In college settings, we see it in some fraternities, when young people are manipulated into engaging in degrading or demeaning acts just for the sake of belonging. And by the time we are adults, we can find it in any number of work relationships - or even in our own families.
So what qualities in personality make you an easy target? There are quite a few, but the one I encounter the most in my practice is the need for approval. At the core of this need is a disproportionate fear of rejection, abandonment or criticism. The manipulator feeds on this need, creating a dependence. By giving the victim what they crave and then threatening to take it away, they create a similar dynamic to that of a junkie and a dealer.
Now maybe that's a dark analogy to use, but the truth is, this habit can be just as hard to break as a drug addiction. I'm sure that if you think hard enough, you've witnessed these types of dynamics, leaving you perplexed as to why a person remains in such a relationship. It's actually much more prevalent than you might think.
Depression or anxiety are common byproducts of manipulation, eventually taking a toll on a person's emotions and well-being. But it's these symptoms that will hopefully motivate a person to seek help.
You might not be surprised to hear that in all the years I've been practicing, I've never had a manipulator come in asking for help on how to stop this controlling habit. It's always the receiver, or victim, that musters up the courage to ask for help. And more often than not, they are unaware of the effect the manipulator is having on them.
One tell-tale sign is when a client tells me they're keeping the therapy a secret. That they are looking for ways to become a better partner, or a more caring daughter or a more efficient employee, to name a few. With couples, another sign is when a partner goes out of their way to say things like, " I'm here for you - I want to help you get better," taking no ownership or responsibility for their contribution to the crisis at hand.
I wish there was a quick fix to this type of relationship. Breaking the cycle of manipulation is extremely hard. It involves changing personality traits which are deeply entrenched and often too scary to confront. But above all, what we need when we find ourselves in this position, is courage. The courage to confront our fears. The courage to cut the strings and find our freedom. And if things don't get better, the courage to walk away.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
On The Road Again
A common predictor of a successful relationship is the ability to be open to the other person's influences. By this I don't mean being weak, easily swayed or allowing yourself to be controlled. But rather, the ability to remain open to new input, expanding your view of the world and not being threatened by new information that may alter the familiar road map you use to get through life.
This applies to any setting, such as work, extended family and friends, and, of course, your love interest. Though I'll focus on love, as that's what most of you read the blog for, right?
In the early stages of a relationship, we deal with uncharted territory. It can be very scary, especially if we've been down this road before, unsuccessfully. Yet, once again, we climb aboard, check our rear-view mirror, fasten our seat belt and gingerly step on the gas, hoping for a smooth ride.
Aretha Franklin said it best: :
We got some places to see
I brought all the maps with me
So jump right in...Ain't no sin
Take a ride in my machine
As we merge together into this "Freeway of Love," we are forced to blend two different world visions into one coherent, integrated road map. In a perfect world, we're able to find common ground and, over time, develop a new map that represents the world we want to build together, as a new couple.
Unfortunately, that's not always the case. Some people are unable, or unwilling, to let go of their road maps out of fear of losing control. Perhaps it's their first time driving. Perhaps they've had one too many crashes on that dangerous "freeway" and this time, they will do all the driving, damn it!
Regardless of the reason, this lack of openness automatically eliminates any chance of creating the shared values that are going to increase the chances of having a successful relationship. And that unwillingness, more often than not, gets couples into trouble and into my office.
The underlying message is usually, "It's my way or the highway." That, above all else, being "right" is most important. Time spent in therapy often involves finding different ways to justify our position, new ways of proving we're right and trying different tactics to make the other person give in.
Eventually, when an impasse has been reached, I ask the question: "Is it more important to be right or to keep the relationship?" It forces one to project beyond the present, beyond the conflict at hand and evaluate the overall impact the other person can have in our life. Positive or negative.
Regardless of what the argument is and whether everyone we've asked agrees with our point of view, we still have to face the reality that we've reached a fork in the road.
If we conclude that the relationship is unhealthy or toxic, then by all means we should choose to be right. Forget the fork, make a U-turn, take out our GPS and find the quickest route home.
But if we decide that the relationship is worth fighting for, that the good outweighs the difficult, then we need to take a step back and accept that being right is ultimately not the most important goal. It's not about being right, but rather about being heard, validated and aknowledged. When we only leave room for being right, we close ourselves off from growing and improving who we are. And who knows, maybe we'll even discover new and exciting pit-stops along the way that we hadn't considered stopping at before. It's OK to take the scenic route.
The trip we choose to take won't be any fun if the copilot we've chosen for our life trip is not able to partake in the choosing of the destination. If we're not willing to share the driving, then we'll eventually fall asleep at the wheel. And when we wake up, we may find ourselves in the middle of nowhere, trying to retrace our steps, wondering how the hell we got there.
This applies to any setting, such as work, extended family and friends, and, of course, your love interest. Though I'll focus on love, as that's what most of you read the blog for, right?
In the early stages of a relationship, we deal with uncharted territory. It can be very scary, especially if we've been down this road before, unsuccessfully. Yet, once again, we climb aboard, check our rear-view mirror, fasten our seat belt and gingerly step on the gas, hoping for a smooth ride.
Aretha Franklin said it best: :
We got some places to see
I brought all the maps with me
So jump right in...Ain't no sin
Take a ride in my machine
As we merge together into this "Freeway of Love," we are forced to blend two different world visions into one coherent, integrated road map. In a perfect world, we're able to find common ground and, over time, develop a new map that represents the world we want to build together, as a new couple.
Unfortunately, that's not always the case. Some people are unable, or unwilling, to let go of their road maps out of fear of losing control. Perhaps it's their first time driving. Perhaps they've had one too many crashes on that dangerous "freeway" and this time, they will do all the driving, damn it!
Regardless of the reason, this lack of openness automatically eliminates any chance of creating the shared values that are going to increase the chances of having a successful relationship. And that unwillingness, more often than not, gets couples into trouble and into my office.
The underlying message is usually, "It's my way or the highway." That, above all else, being "right" is most important. Time spent in therapy often involves finding different ways to justify our position, new ways of proving we're right and trying different tactics to make the other person give in.
Eventually, when an impasse has been reached, I ask the question: "Is it more important to be right or to keep the relationship?" It forces one to project beyond the present, beyond the conflict at hand and evaluate the overall impact the other person can have in our life. Positive or negative.
Regardless of what the argument is and whether everyone we've asked agrees with our point of view, we still have to face the reality that we've reached a fork in the road.
If we conclude that the relationship is unhealthy or toxic, then by all means we should choose to be right. Forget the fork, make a U-turn, take out our GPS and find the quickest route home.
But if we decide that the relationship is worth fighting for, that the good outweighs the difficult, then we need to take a step back and accept that being right is ultimately not the most important goal. It's not about being right, but rather about being heard, validated and aknowledged. When we only leave room for being right, we close ourselves off from growing and improving who we are. And who knows, maybe we'll even discover new and exciting pit-stops along the way that we hadn't considered stopping at before. It's OK to take the scenic route.
The trip we choose to take won't be any fun if the copilot we've chosen for our life trip is not able to partake in the choosing of the destination. If we're not willing to share the driving, then we'll eventually fall asleep at the wheel. And when we wake up, we may find ourselves in the middle of nowhere, trying to retrace our steps, wondering how the hell we got there.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
A Penny For Your Thoughts
A few years back, when I put my private practice on hold to stay home as a full time parent, I occasionally found myself engaging in a conversation like this:
Me: It's a boy!
Them: Congratulations!
Me: Thanks, we're so happy.
Them: So, what are you going to do now?
Me: Well, I've decided to stay home full time. Take 3 years off, or so.
(Pregnant pause - slight tilt of the head - confusion)
Them: OK, yes, but what are you going to do?
Me: You know, um...stay home, change diapers, go to the park, nap when he naps, whatever.
(Cricket sounds)
Them: (somewhat frustrated) No, but really, what are you going to do for work?
You see where this is going, right?
For some people, it just doesn't compute that someone (especially a male) would abdicate their position of perceived "power" in the relationship by not contributing to the household income. Yet, others were very supportive and didn't skip a beat when they learned of my plans. Ultimately, it all came down to each person's individual attitude about money.
Fact - Money is the number one trigger for relationship problems in the US. Yes, it is. Even more than sex. How can it be more than sex, you say? Well, there are probably different reasons, but I think one major factor is that most people learn about their partner's sexual prowess (or lack thereof) early on. Allowing them to make an informed decision before they tie the knot. Just like test driving a car, more or less.
On the other hand, money and finances (total buzz kill) get swept under the rug. Resulting in one of the biggest lies we tell ourselves - money isn't going to be a problem. Unless you're Suze Ormon (you really should look her up if you don't know who she is), a spread sheet can become the biggest turn-off in any courtship. If you bring up money perhaps you'll be labeled a "gold digger" or a "blood sucker" or my personal favorite, a "forty-niner." And, because nobody likes to be called names, we just avoid the topic all together. Bad idea.
Research shows that for the most part, we develop values and behaviors about finances from a very young age. For example, if someone grew up during the great depression vs. a time of economic growth, understandably, the attitudes around money will be very different. Attitudes that tend to be deeply imprinted.
So, before you ask your blind date for a copy of their tax return and their 401k, perhaps you should ask yourself some of the following questions so you can be clear on what your own beliefs in the matter are:
What did money mean to my family growing up?
Did my family always have enough? Did we struggle?
Were there ever lies about money?
Was there shame or envy about money?
Was money used as a way to control or manipulate?
Who took care of finances in the family and what role did others family members play when it came time to making decisions?
Liza was right: Money makes the world go around. And because it does, when two people who have different beliefs and expectations around money come together, it is of most importance that these differences get ironed out early on.
Every relationship is an investment. We invest emotions. We invest time. We invest energy. Yet, we don't invest in figuring out how we're going to deal with money - and that may ultimately be the most important investment of all. And doing it, wont cost you a penny.
Me: It's a boy!
Them: Congratulations!
Me: Thanks, we're so happy.
Them: So, what are you going to do now?
Me: Well, I've decided to stay home full time. Take 3 years off, or so.
(Pregnant pause - slight tilt of the head - confusion)
Them: OK, yes, but what are you going to do?
Me: You know, um...stay home, change diapers, go to the park, nap when he naps, whatever.
(Cricket sounds)
Them: (somewhat frustrated) No, but really, what are you going to do for work?
You see where this is going, right?
For some people, it just doesn't compute that someone (especially a male) would abdicate their position of perceived "power" in the relationship by not contributing to the household income. Yet, others were very supportive and didn't skip a beat when they learned of my plans. Ultimately, it all came down to each person's individual attitude about money.
Fact - Money is the number one trigger for relationship problems in the US. Yes, it is. Even more than sex. How can it be more than sex, you say? Well, there are probably different reasons, but I think one major factor is that most people learn about their partner's sexual prowess (or lack thereof) early on. Allowing them to make an informed decision before they tie the knot. Just like test driving a car, more or less.
On the other hand, money and finances (total buzz kill) get swept under the rug. Resulting in one of the biggest lies we tell ourselves - money isn't going to be a problem. Unless you're Suze Ormon (you really should look her up if you don't know who she is), a spread sheet can become the biggest turn-off in any courtship. If you bring up money perhaps you'll be labeled a "gold digger" or a "blood sucker" or my personal favorite, a "forty-niner." And, because nobody likes to be called names, we just avoid the topic all together. Bad idea.
Research shows that for the most part, we develop values and behaviors about finances from a very young age. For example, if someone grew up during the great depression vs. a time of economic growth, understandably, the attitudes around money will be very different. Attitudes that tend to be deeply imprinted.
So, before you ask your blind date for a copy of their tax return and their 401k, perhaps you should ask yourself some of the following questions so you can be clear on what your own beliefs in the matter are:
What did money mean to my family growing up?
Did my family always have enough? Did we struggle?
Were there ever lies about money?
Was there shame or envy about money?
Was money used as a way to control or manipulate?
Who took care of finances in the family and what role did others family members play when it came time to making decisions?
Liza was right: Money makes the world go around. And because it does, when two people who have different beliefs and expectations around money come together, it is of most importance that these differences get ironed out early on.
Every relationship is an investment. We invest emotions. We invest time. We invest energy. Yet, we don't invest in figuring out how we're going to deal with money - and that may ultimately be the most important investment of all. And doing it, wont cost you a penny.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Once Upon a Time
I love the fact that my daughter, about to turn 7, has never been into the whole princess thing. She's a rough and tumble kinda chick. She likes sports, climbing up trees and chasing her 10 year-old brother around the house (actually, she'll chase him anywhere for that matter). She likes Disney movies, but not so much where the girl is yearning to be rescued. She digs girl power, and I like that about her.
Funny enough, before she was born, I always fantasized about having a daughter to play "tea party" with and throw lavish fetes for her stuffed animals. Such a stereotype, right?
This got me to thinking about the slew of fairy tales I grew up watching, and wondered: "Why don't we get to see what happens to Sleeping Beauty, Snow White or Cinderella (just to name a few) after they've been rescued from their bleak predicaments?" Simple. Who wants to see that!? That's what foreign movies are for, right?
If cameras kept rolling, or animators kept animating, you'd come to find out that Hercules never flushes, he passes gas in bed, and leaves his toenail clippings right next to the toothbrush. Ariel just won't stop yapping, she's put on a few extra pounds and wears nothing but baggy sweatpants that cover her all the way down to her... what do you call them?... Feet. And where are those pesky little talking creatures when your house needs some sprucing up? Don't get me started.
I hate to sound Wicked, but the truth is, neither Prince Charming nor Cinderella really exist. We don't really need to look to fantasy for proof. Remember Lady Di? How can you not. Her prince charming wasn't so charming after all, was he? He fancied someone else who didn't fit the standard, so he had to fake it. The world couldn't tolerate an "un-royal" pairing.
How do we get caught up in this ideal? Perhaps men and women become addicted to the romance of it all. Our parents' expectations, the excitement of The Big Day, the invitations, the cake, the party, the honeymoon. We see the ceremony as the happy ending rather than the true beginning.
And so, we wake up one day to the realization that our beautiful, sparkling carriage has turned into a pumpkin. A perfectly good and decent pumpkin. But still a pumpkin. Pie anyone?
The beauty is that we are all pumpkins. Whether we're single, starting a relationship or wearing the proverbial ball-and-chain, we're pumpkins looking for romance and passion. But these emotions have to be anchored in truth. A truth we find by showing up and actively participating. Not only in the ceremony, but for the rest of the relationship.
Like Peter Pan, we have to grow up eventually. And growing up means achieving a deeper understanding of who we are. Being genuine and not feeding into the expectations of that little prince or princess living deep inside us.
I've learned a great deal about myself through my children. Thanks to my daughter's personality, strength of character and lack of interest in playing damsel in distress, I've learned to rethink my own preconceived hopes and dreams for both her and my son. Now, I simply try to focus on making sure they stay true to who they are and not just become the people I once hoped they'd turn out to be. So, when they're ready to leave the nest, I'll look to the heavens, close my eyes and Wish Upon a Star. A wish of hope. Hope that I've helped them learn how to find their own happiness from within. The main ingredient, I believe, to living Happily Ever After.
Funny enough, before she was born, I always fantasized about having a daughter to play "tea party" with and throw lavish fetes for her stuffed animals. Such a stereotype, right?
This got me to thinking about the slew of fairy tales I grew up watching, and wondered: "Why don't we get to see what happens to Sleeping Beauty, Snow White or Cinderella (just to name a few) after they've been rescued from their bleak predicaments?" Simple. Who wants to see that!? That's what foreign movies are for, right?
If cameras kept rolling, or animators kept animating, you'd come to find out that Hercules never flushes, he passes gas in bed, and leaves his toenail clippings right next to the toothbrush. Ariel just won't stop yapping, she's put on a few extra pounds and wears nothing but baggy sweatpants that cover her all the way down to her... what do you call them?... Feet. And where are those pesky little talking creatures when your house needs some sprucing up? Don't get me started.
I hate to sound Wicked, but the truth is, neither Prince Charming nor Cinderella really exist. We don't really need to look to fantasy for proof. Remember Lady Di? How can you not. Her prince charming wasn't so charming after all, was he? He fancied someone else who didn't fit the standard, so he had to fake it. The world couldn't tolerate an "un-royal" pairing.
How do we get caught up in this ideal? Perhaps men and women become addicted to the romance of it all. Our parents' expectations, the excitement of The Big Day, the invitations, the cake, the party, the honeymoon. We see the ceremony as the happy ending rather than the true beginning.
And so, we wake up one day to the realization that our beautiful, sparkling carriage has turned into a pumpkin. A perfectly good and decent pumpkin. But still a pumpkin. Pie anyone?
The beauty is that we are all pumpkins. Whether we're single, starting a relationship or wearing the proverbial ball-and-chain, we're pumpkins looking for romance and passion. But these emotions have to be anchored in truth. A truth we find by showing up and actively participating. Not only in the ceremony, but for the rest of the relationship.
Like Peter Pan, we have to grow up eventually. And growing up means achieving a deeper understanding of who we are. Being genuine and not feeding into the expectations of that little prince or princess living deep inside us.
I've learned a great deal about myself through my children. Thanks to my daughter's personality, strength of character and lack of interest in playing damsel in distress, I've learned to rethink my own preconceived hopes and dreams for both her and my son. Now, I simply try to focus on making sure they stay true to who they are and not just become the people I once hoped they'd turn out to be. So, when they're ready to leave the nest, I'll look to the heavens, close my eyes and Wish Upon a Star. A wish of hope. Hope that I've helped them learn how to find their own happiness from within. The main ingredient, I believe, to living Happily Ever After.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Thanks, keep the change...
This comic strip is pretty funny, but you'd be surprised how often I've heard some version of this, both in my private practice and amongst friends. That is, the struggle between expecting someone to change vs. accepting who they are and compromising.
We all know dating can be grueling. Most of us have to kiss a lot of frogs before we find true love. And yes, accept it, we all got to be the frog at least once. One day we're in love and feeling like the king of the world (thanks Mr. DiCaprio) and the next we're holding onto dear life as we sink into the abyss. As a result, we start to develop a taste for the things we like or don't like, and what we're willing to accept or not accept in a partner, otherwise known as "deal breakers."
The problem is, out of frustration with the process, sometimes we settle for a person that we know may not be right for us. Why? Because we often fear that if we let go of this relationship, we may not find anything better. Not to mention the time and energy that goes into dating (ugh... I get cold sweats). So, we end up rationalizing and plow forward in the hopes that, if we can only get our partners to stop being workaholics, or lazy, or partiers, or (fill in the blank), then everything will be okay.
You can hear the fog horn warnings in the distance, right?
So, unless you're in need of a kidney transplant and you've figured out the person you're dating is a perfect match, then my suggestion is, don't stay with someone after you've discovered you want them to change. It's not fair to them or to you.
Does that mean that couples have to agree on absolutely everything? Of course not. No one does. And if you do, then what's the fun in that? But you do need to agree on the basics. The important things that are going to make a difference in your life. Things like values, lifestyle, religion, boxers vs. briefs (if it were only that simple, right?). If you can't talk about "hot" topics with your partner out of fear of rocking the boat, then that should be your first clue.
In the end, successful relationships are all about compromises. Compromises both of you can live with. Therefore, the most important question to ask yourself in any relationship is: "Can I be with this person the way they are?" Hopefully your partner will be asking the same question about you. Because let's face it, no one is perfect. Except for Oprah, of course. Don't even think of messing with my Oprah, mmmkay?
So, note to self - Ask the important questions and don't be afraid of the answers. You'll thank yourself later, when inevitably, you're bound to hit a couple of icebergs along the way.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
When in doubt, talk about sex.....
Welcome to my blog. Never in a million years did I expect to be sitting here, putting my thoughts down on virtual paper, for the universe to see. My first thought was: "What if no one cares?" and "Does it matter?" But, nevertheless, here I am.
I've been putting off this blogging urge until I found something that inspired me to hunker down and start the process. Between my private practice as a Marriage and Family Therapist, my work in foster care and adoption, and the trials and tribulations of being a husband and parent (aka: burning the candle at both ends), I've seen a lot. So it's really great when I hear or read something that surprises me.
Which is exactly what happened this morning. After hugging my son and wishing him a happy 10th birthday, I came across an article in the LA times that struck a chord:
"Americans are branching out sexually"
According to a recent study, the "sexual repertoire" in America is expanding. YES! That is good news. Apparently, we are now thinking outside the "sexual" box. Missionary is just passe, they say. Over the years, I've worked with couples who are "stuck" in their relationships, looking for ways to "spice things up." I know, such a cliche. But it's true. Sex has always been taboo, especially after the reality that was HIV/AIDS in the 80's. Since then, America, and the world (except for the Swedes, of course), literally clammed up.
Or did we? Perhaps we just became more secretive, "on the down low", as it's now commonly called. Who knows.
According to the new study referred to in this article, women are finally benefiting from this change in attitude. About time! No more faking it. It appears that communication around sex has improved and therefore men and women are expressing their sexual desires more readily. No more shame in asking for what you REALLY want. It's no surprise that depression is often connected to repression. As a good female friend of mine shared at a recent gathering, "Ladies, it's time to let your husbands tend to your garden, regularly." I just hope it doesn't include pruning shears (and if it does, please be safe). Because love, relationships, children and all that is good for that matter, needs to be tended to, just like a garden. Or a golf swing (for the guys).
More good news, teenagers seem to be waiting longer to have their first sexual experience. As a worried parent of two elementary school children living in Los Angeles, this was a welcome fact. Also, many of these teens are only "having" sex with themselves. And, lo and behold, the Braille Institute has not had an influx of students. Go figure. But, I digress. Perhaps I'll talk about teenagers and their struggles with sexuality on a future post.
So, why was this article a catalyst to me beginning this blog? Well, because I'm in the business of relationships. Whether in the early stages or on their last leg. Whether single and looking or recovering from a series of failed attempts. Whether trying to be a better parent, better partner, better sibling, or simply, better to oneself. In the end, we all just want to be connected. And above all, be seen. It's hardwired into our psyches. Sex, good sex, loving sex, whatever tickles your fancy sex (among consenting adults, of course), plays a major role in the success of a couple's relationship.
Ultimately, love is not enough (Gasp! No he didn't!). I believe love is relative. You can't just live on love alone. It's so much more complex than that. And it's the naivete of entering relationships under this premise that gets couples into trouble. You've heard it before, right? "I love them so much, they'll change for me," or "they'll change after we get married." Of course, if you chose someone who is a lunatic or an addict or a serial killer or, well, you get the picture.....you're out of luck and this doesn't apply. But, for the most part, sane people tend to pick other relatively sane people. So, if you are lucky enough to have picked a "good one," treasure it. Love it. And, have good sex regularly.
In a nut shell, reading this article gave me hope. Hope, that as a society, perhaps we are starting to look inward for happiness. Hope that we are starting to communicate with our loved one about what we need. Not only sexually, but emotionally. If we can start being honest and uninhibited about our sexual desires, then perhaps we can also start being honest about everything else.
Reading the Times this morning made me smile. And that in itself, is worth sharing with the universe. Even if no one cares about what I think.
I've been putting off this blogging urge until I found something that inspired me to hunker down and start the process. Between my private practice as a Marriage and Family Therapist, my work in foster care and adoption, and the trials and tribulations of being a husband and parent (aka: burning the candle at both ends), I've seen a lot. So it's really great when I hear or read something that surprises me.
Which is exactly what happened this morning. After hugging my son and wishing him a happy 10th birthday, I came across an article in the LA times that struck a chord:
"Americans are branching out sexually"
According to a recent study, the "sexual repertoire" in America is expanding. YES! That is good news. Apparently, we are now thinking outside the "sexual" box. Missionary is just passe, they say. Over the years, I've worked with couples who are "stuck" in their relationships, looking for ways to "spice things up." I know, such a cliche. But it's true. Sex has always been taboo, especially after the reality that was HIV/AIDS in the 80's. Since then, America, and the world (except for the Swedes, of course), literally clammed up.
Or did we? Perhaps we just became more secretive, "on the down low", as it's now commonly called. Who knows.
According to the new study referred to in this article, women are finally benefiting from this change in attitude. About time! No more faking it. It appears that communication around sex has improved and therefore men and women are expressing their sexual desires more readily. No more shame in asking for what you REALLY want. It's no surprise that depression is often connected to repression. As a good female friend of mine shared at a recent gathering, "Ladies, it's time to let your husbands tend to your garden, regularly." I just hope it doesn't include pruning shears (and if it does, please be safe). Because love, relationships, children and all that is good for that matter, needs to be tended to, just like a garden. Or a golf swing (for the guys).
More good news, teenagers seem to be waiting longer to have their first sexual experience. As a worried parent of two elementary school children living in Los Angeles, this was a welcome fact. Also, many of these teens are only "having" sex with themselves. And, lo and behold, the Braille Institute has not had an influx of students. Go figure. But, I digress. Perhaps I'll talk about teenagers and their struggles with sexuality on a future post.
So, why was this article a catalyst to me beginning this blog? Well, because I'm in the business of relationships. Whether in the early stages or on their last leg. Whether single and looking or recovering from a series of failed attempts. Whether trying to be a better parent, better partner, better sibling, or simply, better to oneself. In the end, we all just want to be connected. And above all, be seen. It's hardwired into our psyches. Sex, good sex, loving sex, whatever tickles your fancy sex (among consenting adults, of course), plays a major role in the success of a couple's relationship.
Ultimately, love is not enough (Gasp! No he didn't!). I believe love is relative. You can't just live on love alone. It's so much more complex than that. And it's the naivete of entering relationships under this premise that gets couples into trouble. You've heard it before, right? "I love them so much, they'll change for me," or "they'll change after we get married." Of course, if you chose someone who is a lunatic or an addict or a serial killer or, well, you get the picture.....you're out of luck and this doesn't apply. But, for the most part, sane people tend to pick other relatively sane people. So, if you are lucky enough to have picked a "good one," treasure it. Love it. And, have good sex regularly.
In a nut shell, reading this article gave me hope. Hope, that as a society, perhaps we are starting to look inward for happiness. Hope that we are starting to communicate with our loved one about what we need. Not only sexually, but emotionally. If we can start being honest and uninhibited about our sexual desires, then perhaps we can also start being honest about everything else.
Reading the Times this morning made me smile. And that in itself, is worth sharing with the universe. Even if no one cares about what I think.
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