Thanks, keep the change...

      "I know he seems cold and lacks much of a personality, but I think I can change him."


This comic strip is pretty funny, but you'd be surprised how often I've heard some version of this, both in my private practice and amongst friends.  That is, the struggle between expecting someone to change vs. accepting who they are and compromising. 

We all know dating can be grueling.  Most of us have to kiss a lot of frogs before we find true love.  And yes, accept it, we all got to be the frog at least once.  One day we're in love and feeling like the king of the world (thanks Mr. DiCaprio) and the next we're holding onto dear life as we sink into the abyss.  As a result, we start to develop a taste for the things we like or don't like, and what we're willing to accept or not accept in a partner, otherwise known as "deal breakers."  

The problem is, out of frustration with the process, sometimes we settle for a person that we know may not be right for us.  Why?  Because we often fear that if we let go of this relationship, we may not find anything better.  Not to mention the time and energy that goes into dating (ugh... I get cold sweats).   So, we end up rationalizing and plow forward in the hopes that, if we can only get our partners to stop being workaholics, or  lazy, or  partiers, or (fill in the blank), then everything will be okay. 

You can hear the fog horn warnings in the distance, right?

So, unless you're in need of a kidney transplant and you've figured out the person you're dating is a perfect match, then my suggestion is, don't stay with someone after you've discovered you want them to change.  It's not fair to them or to you.

Does that mean that couples have to agree on absolutely everything?  Of course not.   No one does.  And if you do, then what's the fun in that?  But you do need to agree on the basics.  The important things that are going to make a difference in your life.  Things like values, lifestyle, religion, boxers vs. briefs (if it were only that simple, right?).  If you can't talk about "hot" topics with your partner out of fear of rocking the boat, then that should be your first clue.

In the end, successful relationships are all about compromises.  Compromises both of you can live with.   Therefore, the most important question to ask yourself in any relationship is: "Can I be with this person the way they are?"  Hopefully your partner will be asking the same question about you.  Because let's face it, no one is perfect.  Except for Oprah, of course.  Don't even think of messing with my Oprah, mmmkay?

So, note to self - Ask the important questions and don't be afraid of the answers.  You'll thank yourself later, when inevitably, you're bound to hit a couple of icebergs along the way.