When in doubt, talk about sex.....

Welcome to my blog.   Never in a million years did I  expect to be sitting here, putting my thoughts down on virtual paper, for the universe to see.   My first thought was:  "What if no one cares?"  and "Does it matter?"  But, nevertheless, here I am.

I've been putting off this blogging urge until I found something that inspired me to hunker down and start the process.  Between my private practice as a Marriage and Family Therapist, my work in foster care and adoption, and the trials and tribulations of being a husband and parent (aka: burning the candle at both ends), I've seen a lot.  So it's really great when I hear or read something that surprises me.

Which is exactly what happened this morning.  After hugging my son and wishing him a happy 10th birthday,  I came across an article in the LA times that struck a chord:
 "Americans are branching out sexually"

According to a recent study, the "sexual repertoire" in America is expanding.  YES! That is good news.  Apparently, we are now thinking outside the "sexual" box.  Missionary is just passe, they say.  Over the years,  I've worked with couples who are "stuck" in their relationships, looking for ways to "spice things up."  I know, such a cliche.  But it's true.  Sex has always been taboo, especially after the reality that was HIV/AIDS in the 80's.   Since then, America, and the world (except for the Swedes, of course), literally clammed up. 

Or did we?  Perhaps we just became more secretive, "on the down low", as it's now commonly called.  Who knows. 

According to the new study referred to in this article, women are finally benefiting from this change in attitude.  About time!   No more faking it.  It appears that communication around sex has improved and therefore men and women are expressing their sexual desires more readily.  No more shame in asking for what you REALLY want.  It's no surprise that depression is often connected to repression.  As a good female friend of mine shared at a recent gathering, "Ladies, it's time to let your husbands tend to your garden, regularly."  I just hope it doesn't include pruning shears (and if it does, please be safe).  Because love, relationships, children and all that is good for that matter, needs to be tended to, just like a garden.  Or a golf swing (for the guys).

More good news, teenagers seem to be waiting longer to have their first sexual experience.  As a worried parent of two elementary school children living in Los Angeles,  this was a welcome fact. Also, many of these teens are only "having" sex with themselves.  And, lo and behold, the Braille Institute has not had an influx of students.  Go figure.  But, I digress.  Perhaps I'll talk about teenagers and their struggles with sexuality on a future post.

So, why was this article a catalyst to me beginning this blog?  Well, because I'm in the business of relationships.  Whether in the early stages or on their last leg.  Whether single and looking or recovering from a series of failed attempts.  Whether trying to be a better parent, better partner, better sibling, or simply, better to oneself.  In the end, we all just want to be connected.  And above all, be seen.  It's hardwired into our psyches.   Sex, good sex, loving sex, whatever tickles your fancy sex (among consenting adults, of course), plays a major role in the success of a couple's relationship.

 Ultimately, love is not enough (Gasp!  No he didn't!).  I believe love is relative.  You can't just live on love alone.  It's so much more complex than that.  And it's the naivete of entering relationships under this premise that gets couples into trouble.  You've heard it before, right?  "I love them so much, they'll change for me," or "they'll change after we get married."  Of course, if you chose someone who is a lunatic or an addict or a serial killer or, well, you get the picture.....you're out of luck and this doesn't apply.  But, for the most part, sane people tend to pick other relatively sane people.  So, if you are lucky enough to have picked a "good one," treasure it.  Love it.  And, have good sex regularly. 

In a nut shell, reading this article gave me hope.  Hope, that as a society, perhaps we are starting to look inward for happiness.  Hope that we are starting to communicate with our loved one about what we need.  Not only sexually, but emotionally.  If we can start being honest and uninhibited about our sexual desires, then perhaps we can also start being honest about everything else. 

Reading the Times this morning made me smile.  And that in itself, is worth sharing with the universe.  Even if no one cares about what I think.